Saying No to Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

The Arise Society  Transition Center 

Ground Yourself Before you even utter the word ‘no’, take a moment to ground yourself. You’re about to set a boundary, and that can be stressful. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that it’s okay to say ‘no’. Your needs and feelings matter too.

Step 1: Ground Yourself

Express Empathy When you do say ‘no’, start with empathy. Acknowledge the other person’s feelings or desires. For instance, you might say, “I understand that you’re upset and need someone to talk to…”

Step 2: Express Empathy

Be Clear and Firm After acknowledging their feelings, express your ‘no’ clearly and firmly. Avoid using phrases that might indicate that you could be easily swayed. For example, “…and  I can’t talk right now. I have to focus on a project that’s due tomorrow.”

Step 3: Be Clear & Firm

Offer Alternatives If possible, suggest alternatives. This can help the person with BPD feel supported and less likely to perceive the ‘no’ as a rejection. Continuing from the last example, you might add, “Can we talk later this evening? Or would you like me to help you find someone else to talk to right now?”

Step 4: Offer Alternatives

Validate Their Feelings Finally, validate their feelings. Validation doesn’t mean you agree with their perspective, but it does show that you understand their feelings. For instance, “I know it’s hard when you’re feeling like this. I’m sorry it’s difficult.”

Step 5: Validate

Remember: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself. It’s not selfish; it’s essential.

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