The Gottman Bids Framework Applied to Young Adult Development

What if I told you that researchers can predict with 94% accuracy whether a relationship will succeed or fail, simply by watching how two people interact? That’s exactly what renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman discovered after four decades of studying couples in his famous “Love Lab” at the University of Washington.

While Gottman’s research initially focused on married couples, the principles he uncovered about “bids for connection” apply powerfully to young adult development. In fact, understanding these principles during the critical 18-25 age range can fundamentally change the trajectory of a young person’s life.

Understanding the Bids for Connection Framework

Dr. Gottman’s research revealed that relationships succeed or fail based on seemingly tiny moments throughout each day. He calls these moments “bids for connection,” which he describes as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.”

A bid can be as simple as:

Pointing out a bird flying by
Sharing a funny video
Asking about someone’s day
Making a joke
Reaching for someone’s hand
Sending a text message

What matters isn’t the size of the bid, it’s how the other person responds. Gottman identified three possible responses:

Turning Toward: Acknowledging and engaging with the bid positively
Turning Away: Ignoring or missing the bid (often due to distraction)
Turning Against: Responding with hostility or irritation

The statistics are striking. In Gottman’s six-year longitudinal study, couples who divorced turned toward their partner’s bids only 33% of the time. Meanwhile, couples who stayed happily married turned toward bids 86% of the time. That 53% difference determined whether relationships thrived or failed.

Why This Matters Specifically for Young Adults

The 18-25 age range represents what developmental psychologists call “emerging adulthood,” a critical period of identity formation, relationship building, and skill development. During this window, young people are:

Forming their first serious romantic relationships
Building professional networks
Establishing friendships independent of family
Developing their social identity
Learning to navigate complex social environments

The bidding patterns young adults develop during this period become the foundation for all future relationships. Yet many young people struggle with this critical skill, contributing to what’s now recognized as an epidemic of loneliness. The U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health crisis in 2023, noting its profound impact on both mental and physical health.

The Young Adult Brain and Connection

Here’s something fascinating: the young adult brain is still developing, particularly in areas related to social cognition and emotional regulation. The prefrontal cortex, which handles complex social interactions and impulse control, doesn’t fully mature until the mid-to-late twenties.

This means young adults are simultaneously:

Navigating their most complex social landscapes yet
Operating with a brain that’s still learning how to process social information efficiently
Establishing patterns that will influence relationships for decades

Social psychologist Jonathan Haidt notes that by age 6, a child’s brain is about 90% of adult size. The next 10-15 years are primarily about “learning norms and mastering skills, physical, analytical, creative, and social.” This makes the young adult years absolutely critical for developing healthy bidding behaviors.

Common Bidding Failures in Young Adults

Bid Type	Why Young Adults Miss It	Consequence
Subtle emotional bids	Screen distraction, less experience reading emotional cues	Friends feel ignored or unimportant
Professional networking bids	Anxiety about seeming “too eager” or “brown-nosing	Missed career opportunities
Romantic interest bids	Fear of rejection, unclear on “dating rules”	Relationship opportunities don’t develop
Peer support bids	Assumption that others are “too busy” or don’t care	Isolation and loneliness
Family connection bids	Desire for independence creates distance	Strained family relationships when support is needed

The Technology Factor

Research suggests that technology, particularly texting and social media, may be significantly impacting young people’s ability to make and respond to bids effectively. A poll of over 1,500 American teens found that just over half spend at least four hours daily on social media apps.

Why does this matter for bidding? Because:

Text communication lacks the nonverbal cues essential to reading bids
Digital interaction provides less practice with real-time response
Screen time replaces face-to-face practice opportunities
The brevity of digital communication doesn’t teach nuanced social interaction

As communication expert Chris Segrin notes, “The use of technology, texting in particular, is probably one of the biggest impediments for developing social skills in young people today. Everything is so condensed and parsed out in sound bites, and that’s not the way that human beings for thousands of years have communicated.”

The Gottman 5:1 Ratio Applied to Young Adult Life

Gottman’s research found that successful couples maintain a 5:1 ratio, five positive interactions for every negative one. This builds what he calls an “emotional bank account” of goodwill. One study found that a couple can easily make over 100 bids during a single meal, showing just how frequent these small interactions are.

For young adults, maintaining positive ratios across different relationship types is essential:

Romantic Relationships

Young adults forming their first serious relationships often lack the skills to maintain healthy ratios. They might:

Criticize more than compliment
Turn away from bids due to phone distraction
Miss subtle emotional cues
Fail to initiate enough positive bids

Friendships

Maintaining friendships requires consistent positive bidding:

Responding to texts and messages
Showing interest in friends’ lives
Initiating plans and activities
Being present during time together

Professional Relationships

Career success often depends on workplace bidding:

Responding to colleagues’ questions or comments
Showing interest in projects and ideas
Participating in team discussions
Acknowledging others’ contributions

Developmental Vulnerabilities: Why Young Adults Struggle

Several factors make the young adult years particularly challenging for healthy bidding:

1. Identity Uncertainty

Still figuring out who they are, many young adults hesitate to make authentic bids for fear of rejection or judgment. This leads to either over-cautious bidding (missing opportunities) or inauthentic bidding (connections that don’t satisfy).

2. Anxiety and Depression

Mental health challenges have increased significantly among young adults. Research indicates that between 2005 and 2010, only 79% of 25-year-old high school graduates who never enrolled in college were employed. Anxiety and depression make both initiating bids and responding to others’ bids exponentially more difficult.

3. Social Skills Deficits

Many young adults arrive at adulthood with underdeveloped social skills. A comprehensive study found that social skills deficits are associated with elevated stress, increased loneliness, and compromised mental and physical health, creating a vicious cycle.

4. Fear of Vulnerability

Bids for connection require vulnerability, showing that you want or need something from another person. For young adults still building confidence, this vulnerability feels dangerous.

Learning to Master Bids: A Developmental Approach

The good news? Bidding behaviors are skills that can be learned and improved. Here’s a developmental framework for young adults:

Phase 1: Awareness (Weeks 1-4)

Begin by simply noticing bids. Practice identifying:

When others make bids to you
When you make bids to others
How you typically respond
What response patterns you notice

Phase 2: Responding (Weeks 5-8)

Focus on turning toward more frequently:

Put down your phone when someone talks to you
Make eye contact
Ask follow-up questions
Show genuine interest, even in topics that don’t fascinate you

Phase 3: Initiating (Weeks 9-12)

Practice making your own bids:

Share something interesting you noticed
Ask genuine questions about others’ experiences
Express appreciation or admiration
Initiate activities or conversations

Phase 4: Refining (Ongoing)

Develop sophistication in your bidding:

Read context and adjust bid intensity
Recognize different bidding styles
Repair when bids go wrong
Maintain healthy ratios across relationships

The Role of Structured Environments

One of the most powerful ways to develop healthy bidding skills is through structured community environments. Research on young adult development consistently shows that real-time practice with feedback accelerates skill development far more effectively than individual reflection alone.

Immersive programs for young adults create ideal conditions for learning bidding skills because they:

Provide numerous daily opportunities to practice
Offer immediate feedback from peers and mentors
Create a safe environment for making mistakes
Model healthy bidding behaviors
Help young adults recognize and change problematic patterns

Measuring Your Progress

How can you tell if your bidding skills are improving? Track these indicators:

Frequency of positive social interactions
Quality of your relationships (depth, satisfaction, mutual support)
Reduced feelings of loneliness or isolation
More successful professional networking
Greater confidence in social situations
Improved ability to repair relationship ruptures
Increased reciprocity in relationships

Common Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

Common Mistake	Why It Happens	How to Correct It
Over-bidding (too intense, too fast)	Desperation for connection	Match the energy of the relationship; let intimacy build gradually
Under-bidding (too cautious)	Fear of rejection	Remember that missed connections hurt more than attempted ones; small risks build confidence
Inconsistent responding	Mood-dependent availability	Develop consistent patterns; communicate when you need space
Digital-only bidding	Easier than face-to-face	Balance digital and in-person bids; prioritize face-to-face for deeper connections

The Long-Term Payoff

Mastering bids for connection during young adulthood creates a foundation that pays dividends for decades. Adults who developed these skills early report:

More satisfying romantic relationships
Stronger professional networks
Deeper friendships
Better mental health
Greater career success
Stronger family relationships
Overall higher life satisfaction

The Gottman framework isn’t just about romantic relationships, it’s about understanding the fundamental mechanics of human connection. For young adults navigating the critical transition to independence, these skills are as essential as any degree or technical training.

The question isn’t whether you’ll make bids or respond to others’ bids. You already are, every single day. The question is whether you’ll do it consciously and skillfully, building the connections that make life meaningful, or whether you’ll continue with patterns that leave you isolated and frustrated.

The choice is yours, and the time to develop these skills is now.

Check out these related articles from our blog:

When Connection Backfires

The Hidden Language of Families: How Your Childhood Bids Shape Adult Relationships

Sources:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. S. (2023). The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy. Penguin Random House.
Office of the Surgeon General (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
Haidt, J. (2024). The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. Penguin Press.
Segrin, C. (2017). Indirect effects of social skills on health through stress and loneliness. Health Communication.