Charting Your Journey from Dysfunctional to Healthy Bids
Change in human behavior rarely happens overnight. We don’t wake up one morning suddenly skilled at connection after years of struggle. Instead, transformation happens incrementally, through small shifts that accumulate over time. Understanding this progression, being able to see where you are on the map and where you’re heading, makes the journey less overwhelming and more hopeful.
This article provides a detailed framework for measuring your growth from dysfunctional to healthy bidding behaviors. Think of it as a roadmap with clear markers, so you can recognize progress even when you’re not yet at your destination.
Why Measuring Progress Matters
Research on behavioral change consistently shows that people who track their progress are far more likely to succeed than those who don’t. Dr. John Gottman’s research found that couples who stayed together turned toward bids 86% of the time, while those who divorced only managed 33%. But nobody gets to 86% overnight. The journey from 33% to 86% requires hundreds of small improvements, and recognizing those improvements keeps you motivated.
For young adults working to overcome social difficulties or failure to launch syndrome, understanding their progression is critical. Research shows that approximately 25% of young adults aged 25-34 live in multigenerational households, and many struggle precisely because they can’t see their progress, leading to hopelessness and giving up.
The Five Stages of Bidding Development
Based on research in social skills development and communication patterns, here’s a framework for understanding your progression:
Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence (Where Many Start)
At this stage, you’re unaware that bidding behaviors even exist or that your approach to connection is problematic. You might:
- Feel confused about why relationships don’t work out
- Believe others are “just difficult” or “don’t get you”
- Repeat the same unsuccessful patterns without recognizing them
- Have no framework for understanding social dynamics
- Feel that some people are “just naturally social” and you’re not
Key Indicator: You’re having relationship problems but don’t understand why.
How Long This Stage Lasts: Can persist for years or even decades without intervention.
Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence (The Awakening)
This stage begins when you recognize that bidding patterns exist and that yours need work. You might:
- Start noticing your own dysfunctional bidding behaviors
- Recognize when you’re turning away from or against others’ bids
- Feel frustrated because you see the problem but can’t yet fix it
- Experience increased anxiety about social interactions
- Begin to understand why past relationships failed
Key Indicator: “I see what I’m doing wrong, but I don’t know how to do it differently.”
How Long This Stage Lasts: Several weeks to a few months with focused effort.
Common Challenge: This stage often feels worse than Stage 1 because awareness brings discomfort. Many people get stuck here, paralyzed by self-consciousness. The key is pushing through to Stage 3.
Stage 3: Conscious Competence (The Practice Phase)
You’re now able to execute healthy bids, but it requires conscious effort and feels awkward. You might:
- Successfully turn toward bids when you’re focused and deliberate
- Catch yourself making dysfunctional bids and course-correct
- Feel exhausted by social interactions because they require so much mental energy
- Have some successful connections but inconsistent results
- Need to think through each social interaction step by step
Key Indicator: “I can do this when I really focus, but it doesn’t come naturally yet.”
How Long This Stage Lasts: Three to six months with consistent practice.
Common Challenge: The effort required can feel overwhelming. Many people give up here because “it shouldn’t be this hard.” Actually, this stage is exactly where you should be. Every skill feels effortful during acquisition.
Stage 4: Unconscious Competence (The Integration Phase)
Healthy bidding becomes automatic. You might:
- Naturally recognize and respond to others’ bids
- Make appropriate bids without planning them
- Handle social situations without mental exhaustion
- Maintain healthy relationships with less effort
- Recover quickly when you do make mistakes
Key Indicator: “I just do it now without thinking about it.”
How Long to Reach This Stage: Six months to a year of consistent practice.
Maintenance Required: Skills remain strong with regular use but can atrophy with prolonged isolation.
Stage 5: Mastery (The Teaching Phase)
You not only practice healthy bidding automatically but can also observe, articulate, and teach these skills to others. You might:
- Notice and understand others’ bidding patterns
- Help others develop their connection skills
- Navigate complex social situations with ease
- Maintain strong relationships across different contexts
- Model healthy bidding for those around you
Key Indicator: “I can help others learn what I learned.”
How Long to Reach This Stage: One to two years of consistent practice and application.
Detailed Progression Markers
Within each stage, there are specific behaviors you can track to measure progress. Here’s a comprehensive assessment tool:
| Skill Area | Beginning | Developing | Proficient | Advanced |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Recognizing Others’ Bids | Miss most bids entirely | Notice obvious bids, miss subtle ones | Catch most bids in real-time | Recognize bids across different contexts and people |
| Responding to Bids | Turn away or against regularly | Turn toward sometimes, inconsistent | Turn toward 60-70% of time | Turn toward 80-90% of time |
| Making Your Own Bids | Rarely initiate connection | Make bids occasionally when prompted | Regularly initiate bids | Naturally make appropriate bids throughout day |
| Bid Quality | Bids are often dysfunctional | Mix of functional and dysfunctional | Mostly functional bids | Consistently healthy, context-appropriate bids |
| Reading Context | Same approach in all situations | Beginning to adjust to context | Usually match bid to situation | Naturally calibrate to social environment |
| Repairing Mistakes | Don’t recognize need to repair | Recognize but struggle with how | Can repair most ruptures | Skillfully repair quickly and naturally |
Tracking Your Progress: A Weekly Assessment
Use this self-assessment weekly to track your development. Rate yourself 1-5 in each area:
- Bid Recognition: How often did I notice when others made bids to me?
- Response Rate: What percentage of bids did I turn toward?
- Initiation: How many bids did I make to others?
- Bid Quality: How functional/appropriate were my bids?
- Context Reading: How well did I match my bids to the situation?
- Recovery: How quickly did I bounce back from unsuccessful bids?
- Relationship Quality: How satisfying were my connections this week?
- Mental Energy: How exhausting was social interaction? (Lower scores indicate progress)
Plot these scores over time. You should see gradual improvement, though progress won’t be linear. Expect setbacks, especially during stressful periods.
Common Patterns in Progression
The Initial Dip
Many people experience worse social anxiety when they first start paying attention to their bids. This is normal and temporary. You’re becoming conscious of behaviors that were previously automatic, which initially increases self-consciousness. Push through this phase, it gets better.
Plateau Periods
You’ll have stretches where progress seems to stall. These plateaus are actually consolidation periods where your brain is integrating new skills. Keep practicing during plateaus, the next leap forward is coming.
Skill Transfer Challenges
You might master bidding in one context (say, with family or close friends) but struggle in another (workplace or dating). This is normal. Skills learned in safe environments need time to transfer to higher-stakes situations.
The Confidence Surge
Somewhere around month 3-4 of consistent practice, many people experience a sudden confidence surge. Skills that felt awkward suddenly feel natural. Relationships that seemed impossible start working. This is the shift from conscious to unconscious competence.
Context-Specific Progression
Skills develop at different rates in different contexts. Track your progression separately for:
Family Relationships
- Usually easiest because of existing familiarity
- May be complicated by old patterns and expectations
- Provides safe practice environment
- Changes here often happen first
Friendships
- Mid-level difficulty
- Provides crucial practice opportunities
- Success here builds confidence for other contexts
- New friendships easier to establish healthy patterns than repairing old ones
Romantic Relationships
- Often most challenging due to vulnerability
- Higher stakes can increase anxiety
- Progress here usually comes last
- Success indicates deep skill integration
Professional Relationships
- Different rules and expectations than personal relationships
- Requires learning professional bidding norms
- Crucial for career success and independence
- May require explicit instruction in workplace culture
Signs You’re Making Progress (Even When It Doesn’t Feel Like It)
Sometimes progress happens in ways you don’t immediately recognize. Look for these subtle indicators:
- Someone mentions they’ve noticed you’re “different lately”
- You’re invited to social events more frequently
- Conversations flow more easily without awkward pauses
- You’re less mentally exhausted after social interaction
- People seek you out for conversation or support
- Conflicts resolve more easily
- You recover faster from social mistakes
- Initiating contact feels less scary
- You notice and respond to bids without conscious thought
- Relationships feel more balanced and reciprocal
When Progress Stalls: Troubleshooting
If you’ve been working on these skills for several months without progress, consider these possibilities:
Insufficient Practice Opportunities
Social skills require extensive practice. If you’re isolated most of the time, progress will be slow regardless of your effort. Consider joining groups, classes, or structured community programs that provide more practice opportunities.
Underlying Anxiety or Depression
Mental health issues can significantly impede skill development. If anxiety or depression is severe, address these issues first or simultaneously with professional support.
Unresolved Trauma
Past relational trauma can create blocks that prevent skill integration. Therapy focused on trauma processing may be necessary before significant progress can occur.
Wrong Learning Environment
Not all practice is equal. Trying to learn connection skills in harsh, critical environments can actually reinforce dysfunction. Seek supportive environments with positive feedback.
Perfectionism
Expecting perfect performance prevents the trial-and-error necessary for learning. Remember that Gottman found successful couples turned toward bids 86% of the time, not 100%. There’s room for mistakes.
Accelerating Your Progress
While there’s no substitute for time and practice, certain approaches can speed development:
- Daily Practice: Make connection attempts every single day, even small ones
- Immediate Feedback: Seek environments where you get real-time responses to your bids
- Video Review: Recording and reviewing your social interactions (with permission) provides invaluable insights
- Peer Feedback: Ask trusted friends or community members to give you specific feedback
- Modeling: Observe and consciously imitate skilled communicators
- Reflection: End each day by reviewing your bidding successes and opportunities
- Professional Guidance: Work with therapists or coaches specializing in social skills
- Community Immersion: Join programs specifically designed for developing these skills
The Role of Community in Tracking Progress
One significant advantage of community-based learning is the collective ability to track progress. In a structured community:
- Facilitators observe your baseline and can objectively measure improvement
- Peers provide feedback on changes they notice
- The environment provides consistent practice opportunities for measurement
- Regular check-ins and assessments track development systematically
- Comparison with peers (when done healthily) provides perspective on your progress
Research shows that programs incorporating systematic progress tracking have significantly better outcomes than those that don’t. When young adults can see their improvement, motivation increases and the changes become self-reinforcing.
Celebrating Milestones
Don’t wait until you reach “mastery” to celebrate. Acknowledge these important milestones:
- First Recognition: The first time you notice a bid in real-time
- First Successful Turn Toward: When you deliberately turn toward a bid and it works
- First Healthy Bid: Making a functional bid instead of a dysfunctional one
- First Repair: Successfully repairing a ruptured connection
- First Natural Response: Responding to a bid without conscious thought
- First New Friend: Forming a genuine connection through your new skills
- 50% Response Rate: Turning toward half of bids directed at you
- First Context Transfer: Using skills successfully in a new environment
- Three-Month Mark: Sustained practice for a quarter year
- 86% Response Rate: Matching the rate found in successful relationships
The Bottom Line: Progress Is Possible and Measurable
Transforming your bidding behaviors from dysfunctional to healthy is a journey with clear markers and predictable stages. While the timeline varies by individual, the progression itself is reliable. With consistent practice, supportive environments, and honest self-assessment, you can track your movement from unconscious incompetence to mastery.
The key is remembering that progress isn’t always linear. You’ll have good weeks and difficult ones. You’ll master skills in some contexts before others. You’ll plateau and then leap forward. But if you keep practicing, seeking feedback, and engaging authentically with others, the trajectory is always upward.
Your past doesn’t determine your future. The bidding patterns you learned growing up don’t have to define the connections you build moving forward. With awareness, effort, and the right support, you can chart a clear path from where you are to where you want to be.
Sources:
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
- Bandura, A. (1982). Self-efficacy mechanism in human agency. American Psychologist, 37(2), 122-147.
- Pew Research Center (2021). Young adults in the U.S. statistical report.
- Segrin, C. (2000). Social skills deficits associated with depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 20(3), 379-403.
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