Transitioning from Adolescence to Young Adulthood: What Families Can Do

The transition to young adulthood marks a pivotal point, not just in our students’ lives, but in their families’ lives as well. Students begin to develop and explore their identities and interests outside of their family systems.

Separating from parents is part of a process of self-realization that helps kids determine who and how they’ll be as individuals and adults. In this stage, friends and peers seem to become more important and parents less so.

For parents, this can be challenging, but this is not about us – it’s about our kids.

Family dynamics simply need to change, overall, while they are emerging young adults and learning to be on their own. Young adults often push back against parents who continue to treat them as children. While you may still be concerned about your child’s health, safety, and success, you have to let go. Otherwise, you are not trusting yourself as a parent, nor the part you played in his or her development.

You can provide feedback or guidance to your child at any age, but giving advice to a young adult is completely different than before. No, you cannot tell him or her what to do or tell them how to do something when they haven’t asked. Because you are both adults, you need to keep an open mind and be willing to get feedback from your adult child. Be open and honest and respect each other’s ways of doing things.

At times, you will experience conflicts, but don’t worry. It is all part of transitioning and getting used to the idea that your child is maturing. Don’t allow feelings of frustration and anger to get the best of you.

As young people gain the privileges that adults enjoy, they need to understand that privileges come with responsibility. Therefore, you need to do less for your kids and allow them to do more things for themselves. You just have to go with the flow and let things happen as they may. For example, whether your child still lives at home or in their own place, don’t offer to do things they can handle themselves, such as laundry or cooking them dinner. While it’s easy to jump in and offer to help, you will help more if you allow them to learn to take care of themselves.

Also, transitioning needs to include certain financial boundaries. For instance, it’s not a good idea to let a young person think that you are a source of quick and ready cash. Doing so will not incentivize them to prepare a budget or handle money responsibly.

As your teen transitions to young adulthood, you need to change the way you communicate and to respect each other as an adult. The child-adult relationship has taken on a whole new dynamic – one that underscores the need to adjust roles.

That is why making the transition to adulthood can be worsened by parental interference or unrealistic expectations. “Helicopter parents” hover and oversee every aspect of their child’s life, which can make the child feel inadequate and lack confidence in themselves. This can lead to stress and mood disorders, especially low self-esteem, depression and anxiety. If a young person does not feel respected or confident, he or she may feel uncertain about their role in life.

Here are some ways to support a young adult in this phase of the family relationship:

• Know that it is not about you – If we want our kids to handle their feelings in healthy ways, we must be open to their feedback. That may mean hearing some unpleasant things about ourselves. We should try not to be defensive and accept the ways we may hurt our kids even though that’s far from our intention.
• Don’t overstep boundaries – By creating natural, realistic boundaries, we can keep them feeling secure, while offering them the space and respect they need to develop.
• Be there when they reach out – When giving our kids space, we can still be present for them in a consistent way that lets them know we are there if they’re in trouble, want our input or help.
• Make sure they have other caring adults they can turn to – When our kids feel resistant to us (for any reason), it is our responsibility to make sure they have other supportive figures in their lives such as a mentor, therapist, relative, or friend.
• Be a role model – The best thing we can do is demonstrate responsibility in our own actions, behave in ways we respect, and focus on having our own healthy relationships.
• Be open-minded – We may not feel all that comfortable with the idea of our teenager talking about dating or like the clothes they wear, but we have to find a way to push past our own discomfort and leave the pathways of communication open. The more they can accept feelings in themselves, the more comfortable and confident they’ll feel to make responsible, self-caring choices.

Therapy can be of great benefit to address fears and doubts about a person’s sense of effectiveness about entering adulthood. It can also help a person to increase awareness of emotions and the ability to communicate them effectively, while parents develop new ways to interact with their kids.

The Arise Society is committed to working with students and families as they re-define the roles they play in each other’s lives. We understand that supporting parents and guardians, as they navigate the nuances of the changing relationship with their young adult, promotes family-wide healing and growth.

Sources

A Brief Measure for Assessing Generalized Anxiety Disorder https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamainternalmedicine/fullarticle/410326

Arnett, J.J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from late teens through twenties. American Psychologist, 55, 469-480

Failure to Launch Syndrome: What You Need to Know to Help Your Dependent Adult Child https://www.huffpost.com/entry/failure-to-launch-syndrom_b_6709206

What to Do When Your Teen Pushes You Away https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201604/what-do-when-your-teen-pushes-you-away